It’s easier to see things clearer when others go through something verse when you do. I have had my share of “oh crap why did I say and do that” moments. When it happens I try to redeem myself. It’s like I self sabotage.
I am all about figuring out my flaws and fixing them. I had a situation happen last week where I reacted out of frustrations and then had an oh crap moment.
I never thought what the argument would cause or affect or lead to. The thought of possibly not seeing the person again literally made me sick to my stomach. One day I couldn’t sleep. The next I was in bed when my kids left for their dads. It wasn’t pretty. It was silly since I caused my own chaos. If I communicated differently and thought it out I would have avoided this. Luckily it is fine now and we both apologized but it still could have been avoided.
A friend experienced something similar. And I said oh crap you pulled a J. Don’t do what I did. She quickly redeemed herself but it helped me see things differently.
During the journey of healing you have to make sense of stuff and situations, or your pain. Of your insecurities. You always hear people say they self sabotage or cause their own heartache because they don’t think they are worthy.
Finally I called BS on it and have come to my own conclusion.
We are worthy. Worth has nothing to do with it. When you abuse your body and mind with drugs and toxic people and harmful situations that’s when you don’t feel you’re worthy. If you could destroy your body and mind it’s because you don’t like who you are. But guarding your heart and freaking when you catch feelings is because...
You have had your heart broken before. In a course of three years my heart broke twice. Image that. Divorce and even after my divorce. So of course now I am on guard. I will run from a thought of loving someone. Not because I am not worthy but because I literarily had my heart broken and well was sick of it. Loving someone again scares me. It’s something I am working through.
BUT am I worthy. Yes. I deserve love. You deserve love. We all do.
Self worth has nothing to do with guarding your heart. Feeling insecure or being scared to love again. It has to do with healing your past relationships that broke your heart. It’s about trusting someone again. It’s about taking a risk.
I once read life ends with a broken heart so enjoy the process because it doesn’t last forever. We don’t live forever. We are here temporary. I rather have this person in my life then fear breaking my heart. I rather take a risk because I care about this person and don’t want to miss out on an opportunity to enjoy my life with them.
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