I hate to generalize but I will. Whenever someone grew angry around me it was always an elevated act. Out of control. Like you knew this person was angry or mad or very upset. Physical force or aggressive behavior was present. Breaking things or an elevation in their tone and voice. You didn’t have the question how they felt because they told you just in their actions.
But that’s not how you handle anger...
We all have trigger points. We handle these trigger points based on how our environment has taught us to handle them.
Let me explain...I started to meet really calm, chill, people past year and a half. Men who were very laid back yet manly men. Tough guys yet sweet at the core. Protectors yet genuinely sincere, kind, gentle. A couple of times I witnessed them handle anger and situations that triggered them. I didn’t even know they were mad. “I am so mad” they said. Um What? Really? You’re not yelling. You’re not intimidating anyone. You’re not being aggressive or scary or abusive. You’re not breaking things. You’re actually calm. You’re still being respectful.
I started to stop generalizing how you should handle
anger.
I started to see it in my own kids. The other day a misunderstanding took place over an activity I signed up to help at school. “Honey there was a misunderstanding and he said I was attending and you said I wasn’t and I told him you were right I was coming later in the day and he said oh I am sorry I will have to apologize to her for getting upset. I forgot to tell him I will be late. So he will speak with you.” When I told my daughter she said “Mom he wasn’t angry. He was so calm. He told me he would speak with you. It’s fine.”
It hit me right then and there the same way I would generalize how anger was handled my daughter did too. It stopped me in my tracks. It made me want to not have my kids generalize or accept anger the way I used to. That people don’t need to turn into a monster to get their point across. They don’t have to intimidate people to be heard.
It all starts with you. It really does. It’s a level of what you would tolerate or not. It’s also being able to diffuse a situation when things escalate. When shouting occurs to not one up someone. To not be forceful or aggressive. To be able to bring the person back down to a state of calmness.
Sometimes our norm doesn’t have to be our reality.
